Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Randomize
