you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
