me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
