You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
