My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
