We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
