Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
