I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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