I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
