Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
