i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
