this is something i pride myself on being below average for
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
