I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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