We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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