i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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