1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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