my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
