There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
