I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I can text with my tongue
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
