Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
