Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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