Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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