'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
