On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
