I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
