If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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