Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Enjoy the penises
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Randomize
