saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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