Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
