somebody snuck up and got me drunk
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
