Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
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