Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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