i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
