OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
