you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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