Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
ugly people sure do ruin things
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
why do cheetos always look like penises
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
