I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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