it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
