There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
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