At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Pants are for mortals
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
