I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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