Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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