i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
