If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
