i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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