i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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