I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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