Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
