Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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