Swine flu. Run for my life!
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Randomize
