and you said cock pushups were impossible
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
